Bleeding Asshole

So I rang my booty call over yesterday. We were having a great time frolicking on my bed and him coaching me on how to give an amazing blow job.

I need to write down these tips so I can refer back to them:
1. Do not dig elbows in guy's thighs
2. Vary up the strokes, but focus more on the head
3. Breathe through nose, and fight the urge to have lock jaw. If he smells, as him to take a shower.
4. Ask the guy to communicate on what feels good and what is bad
5. Have rhythm

Anyway, as we were getting it on, he turned me over to attempt to do doggy and it was hot and heavy for a few minutes. Then suddenly I see him licking his thumb and then this sharp pain and this sudden urge to go shit emerged from my asshole. I told him to pull that fucker out, and he told me to stop being a pussy and just endure the pain. WHAT THE FUCK!

He claimed that if I had something stuck up my ass, my {()} would automatically clench. What the fuck is he trying to say here?!?! I have a loose pussy? WTF?

Anyway, as I was trying to pee a few minutes later, my asshole was bleeding. I think it still hurts to fart right now... 

Cookie Cutter

Met a Cambodian from a night out of museum. He texted me a few days later and here goes the conversation:

Cambodian: I heard another interview question. If you could be any shaped cookie cutter, what shape would it be and why? 8:32 PM

Me: Either a mustache or a bottle opener. Mustache so people can have foreplay with the cookie before putting it in their mouth. Bottle opener is for those hard, burnt, overcooked cookies so the cookies can have dual purposes. You? 8:41 PM

Cambodian: No shape. Shaped cookies are style over substance. Good cookies can just be a circle 9:01 PM

Cambodian: Let's go on a date 9:11 PM

Me: So I passed? 9:14 PM

Cambodian: Passed what? 9:14 PM

Me: Your test/interview? 9:24 PM

Cambodian: Oh that wasn't a test. Just random thoughts. 9:26 PM

Me: Now I will save your number. 9:27 PM

Cambodian: Well you should. It's handy to have your new boyfriend's number 9:29 PM

Me: haha, that is pretty forward of you. We should at least go on a date first. 9:34 PM

Cambodian: Oh so now you're asking me out. I'll think about it. 9:35 PM

Cambodian: Kidding. Free on Sat night? 9:36 PM

Me: Wow, the suspense was killing me. 9:36 PM

Valentine Woes

Valentine's day is dreadfully approaching. I hate it when my married friend and my friends who are in a relationship tells me, on don't worry, you will find a boyfriend soon. It is like if suddenly the minute they are in a relationship they are sitting on a high horse. Trust me, I am single as a dollar bill and I ain't want no change.

I never believe in Valentine's day. It was always a day filled with obligations. I hate that it is expected to celebrate a relationship, even if it sucks. I look at some of my friends who are in relationships and I judge. I secretly judge and laugh. Are they really happy?

After talking to a few people who are in their 30s, I am declaring NOT TO GIVE A SHIT. I am fully embracing my inner sluthood. I always abide by the rule of trying not to sleep with someone on the first date. I have decided to add that to the fuck it list. I don't commit a to buying a car before a test drive, why would I commit to a relationship without fucking it. All those rules from Steve Harvey and from the holy bible of dating, claimed that putting out soon is bad because it makes the guy value me less. Meh... Fuck it.

For the longest time, I thought of settling for someone who I can tolerate. Someone who will be a good provider and a good companion. Life is too short for me to wait and 

What a fucking cheap ass

Got my first match on Coffee Meets Bagel today! 

Him: Hello :-), I'm passionate about photography. What are your interests? Want to meet for coffee? Gayson 2:39 PM

Him: hi 2:41 PM

Him: how's your day going? 2:45 PM

Me: Hey there, man what a long day. How's your day? 3:15 PM

Him: busy too :-) 3:29 PM

Him: What are your normal hrs? my is 7:30 to 3:30 3:31 PM

Me: It varies. You work in the city? 3:40 PM

Him: jersey city, what languages do u speak? 3:46 PM

Me: English 4:42 PM

Him: Do u have plans tomorrow night? 4:51 PM

Me: I do 5:03 PM

Him: what time are u off work today? my email is cheapass@gmail.com What's your cell phone provider? I have Verizon. XXX-XXX-XXXX. 5:24 PM

Me: Why does that matter what my cell phone provider is? 5:56 PM

Him: free texting :-) 5:57 PM

Me: I think it matters which type of phone you have and if you have an unlimited plan or not... 5:58 PM

Him: this number is my work number :-) so if it's Verizon to Verizon it's free or iPhone to iPhone it's free. if not I have a google voice number. 6:00 PM

Him: I see u know John Doe6:18 PM

Him: I've known him for many years. Great friend, met at a summer camp. 6:19 PM

Him: I see u like traveling, where's the most memorable place u been too? 6:23 PM

The Next Day

Him: try not to type too fast, I can't follow. 1:27 PM

Me: I got thumbitis from trying to answer all your questions via text. 2:21 PM

Him: haha - I have the cure for that 2:23 PM

The cure is not texting anymore. 

I have changed some information in red to not embarrass the identify of the cheap ass. 

Seesaw

Why do I keep dating hot guys with bad personalities. Here is why. 

For me, a guy needs to balanced, like a seesaw. So if he is fucking ugly, he needs to have a great personality to balance that. If he is a hot piece of ass, then he is allowed to have a meh personality. However if the guy is ugly and boring, then NO ONE will want to ride that. 

African Accent

Went on a date from eHarmony. He was black, not African American black, but more midnight African black. He was from Togo. He had the thickest African, French accent. Speaking with him during dinner, I desperately craved Closed Captions.

It is like watching a foreign film without the subtitles. I just politely nodded and smiled and pretended to know what the fuck he was saying.

He tried to make conversation with me, but after realizing White Chicks is one of my favorite comedies, I think he quickly lost respect for me. I wonder if he thought I like white chicks cuz he was black or if it really was my favorite movie. IT IS MY FAV MOVIE! He is way too cultured for me, its like he likes French films and I like French Fries.

He took me to this bad, but expensive Austrian restaurant and luckily he paid for the bill. I think this date covered my eHarmony membership for at least 3 months.

Probably not seeing this guy again.

Personal Trainer Hookup

Went to a Lock and Key event earlier this week and met a guy. I always hated Asian dating events, mostly because the men are ugly and shy. Also the Asian men tend to value education, career and looks over personality. One of the first few questions is What do you do? What college did you go to?  Where do you live? Instead of Hello, what's your name.

Anyway, I saw a guy sitting by himself at a corner, so I approached him. We talked for a bit, and it turned out that he was a personal trainer and we lived near each other. He dropped me off at home and proceed to come upstairs. We spent the whole night not fucking. Trust me, he wanted to, but I was in my granny panties and just wasn't in the mood.

A few days later,  to celebrate the fact that I was STD free, I asked him to come over and we had great foreplay. Unfortunately the ending wasn't that great. He asked if I wanted to give him head. I just flat out said no. What girl wants to give head? I realized that I am much more selfish now that I am looking just for ass. He also had a crooked dick. It curved down, like captain hook;s fake hand.

But honestly, it isn't that great hooking up with a personal trainer, who has an amazing body. I wonder if he is secretly judging me.

Sometimes, being a lone is better, cuz nothing is better than being at home, curled up with Netflix, a bag of Sour Cream and Onion and a vibrator next to you. 

Woohoo! STD Free

Went to the doctor and got my results back from my annual STD test. It is like getting your SAT results back, you know you did well, but there is always that one chance that you may have fucked up which can kill the curve.

But yay! STD free! Now who should I fuck to celebrate?  

6 degrees of separation

So my best friend is in town, we were suppose to have dinner with her and her husband. She called me a few days before and asked if she can set me up on a blind date. So my best friend's mother's friend's daughter's husband's friend is single. He was my blind date, the husband of best friend's mother's friend's daughter is also coming.

When the first two qualities a Chinese mother used to describe a man tall and wealthy,  in my mind that means he is ugly. I then found out that he has 0 experience with women, which tells me that he is also a virgin. I need to also mention that the same mother tried to introduce me to another boy a few years ago, who later turned out to be gay and had a white fat men fetish. I think the whole time, he talked about the Simpsons, now it is all making sense.

I have dated too many ugly men in my life and they all fucked me over (not in the 50 Shades of Grey kind of fucking) So...  from now on, I have decided to date only hot men. At the very least, I will be turned on when I get fucked.

As we were waiting for my date to show up, BFF asked me if I would rather date a virgin or someone who paid prostitutes. After thinking about it for a while, I think I would rather date someone who at least fucked women. I mean ultimately, isn't dating a form of prostitution? at least when you pay for sex, it is guaranteed, unlike dating. You can go on multiple dates and still not get ass.

So when Mr. 6 degrees shows up... my hunch was correct, not only was he ugly, he also looked like a virgin. During the dinner, he was mute, I think he checked his personality along with his coat at the door.

I told this HILARIOUS knock knock joke and besides my bff laughing, all I heard were crickets.

Now, I wonder if he liked me...  

The art of Stripping

Today my girlfriends and I went to take a class called the ABCs of Stripxpertease. Now I know how to grind my hips and touch myself so my man can get excited. WHY are there so many classes on how women can and should please men? Why are all the women magazine talk about how to please their man, how to cook for their man, how to dress for your man. What about how the man should please women?

Example, one class that the Stripxpertease offers is this part-tay.

Suck N' Swallow Party: (Deluxe only)This is an AWESOME class for a bachelorette party! Wanna enhance your lip service? Wanna leave him arched back in fits of delight? This class covers tricks and tips from hand jobs to deep throating to make his eyes roll back in his head and his manhood stand up at attention. Learn how to combat common obstacles to the perfect BJ like manly odors, hairy undercarriages, to swallow or not, and a sensitive gag reflex. We'll tackle this subject "head-on" with humor and honesty. Bring your questions and an open mind ...and a d*ildo!!

*MUST be 18 to attend this class. Each lady must have her own pre-washed d*ildo (size is up to you). Students will GREATLY benefit from bringing a suction cup base d*ildo, a flavored condom or two, and their own flavored lubricant (we will provide flavored lube, but feel free to bring your own). Gay men welcome to participate.

How to deal with many odors? You tell him to go fucking take a shower, and there will be a blow job in it for him!

They need a class on how to give good cunnilingus! 

Epitome of Thirst

I told the desperate guy that one of my flaws was that I was controlling, he texted me this the following day:

Him: Last time you said you were controlling, what did you mean? 12:34 PM Him: Your way or the highway? 12:48 PM Him: Sorry did not mean to upset you. Hope you had a good day. 5:43 PM Me: You did not upset me, I don't think we are compatible. Sorry and I wish you the best of luck. 5:58 PM Him: I know, but I like you 6:13 PM He called me while I was out at dinner wanting to discuss the situation. I told him that I was out with my GF  and that it wasn't good timing to talk. Unfortunately he continued to ramble for a few more seconds, wanting  to know when I found out that I didn't like him.  Me: I am sorry, good luck. 6:16 PM Me: I am still out. What did you want to discus? 9:46 PM Him: I want you 9:55 PM Him: I want you so badly 10:01 PM Him: Good luck to you too. 10:05 PM Him: Hope you find what you are looking for... 10:38 PM

Honestly, did he think I was going to run to him with open arms now after all that?