Sunday Mistake

Met this guy off eHarmony.

He made the mistake of calling me before our first date. Who does that anymore? We spoke for 30 minutes and I couldn't hear him most of the time, also I didn't think we had that much to talk about. Regardless, he still wanted to hang out with me on Thursday. I wanted to cancel on him, cuz I wanted to save him money and I wanted to save myself some time. Also, BBC was coming over.

This is what happened when I tried to cancel on him...

Him: Hey. How was the midnight call ? 12:30 PM

Him: So I guess I should ask if you even still want to hang out ? 12:30 PM

Me: No, I don't think it is going to work out. 3:16 PM

Him: Lol. Why is that 5:13 PM

Him: I am actually kind of curious how you say it won't work out before even meeting me 5:24 PM

Me: I just don't think we clicked. 5:46 PM

Him: Lol. You never even met me 5:46 PM

Me: We didn't click on the phone. 5:49 PM

Him: I think your wrong. If you had interest we should hang out 5:53 PM

Him: If your really not coming back until Friday lets grab lunch over the weekend 6:24 PM

Me: I like your persistence. 6:27 PM

Him: Because I think I know good thing when I see one and I think we would have a good time together 6:29 PM

Him: So has my persistence earned me my date back ? 8:06 PM

Me: possibly... 8:07 PM

Him: Lol. I thought the stig was always up for a challenge. 8:10 PM

Me: Are you a challenge? 8:24 PM

Him: I might be 8:25 PM

Performance Anxiety

So I guess this is a real thing.

I have been  dating guy #3 for a while and the first time we tried hooking up, I can sense his nervousness. We frolicked on his bed for a long time naked and nothing happened. His dick was shriveled and limper than a slice of cold cut. I get it, it isn't everyday that he gets to fuck a hot chick and he just got excited.

Fast forward 3 weeks, we had a sleepover at my house. He fucking did it again!!!!! I even went down on him and NOTHING. He kept apologizing to me, and I felt bad. This is when he told me that he hasn't had sex in 5 years!!!! Wow! 5 years?!!? and the last time he hooked up with a chick was a one night stand too! I think he's only had sex with 2 women his whole life. This is like unexplored territory for me. I think I was a little bit relieved cuz his dick was kinda small anyway. No fun for me.

Is it rude for me to just start forwarding articles of how to overcome performance anxiety to him? 

I ain't that awesome

·         SingleInNewYork

You are paying for dinner

9/12, 3:53pm

CheapAss

i currently have zero stock

it is my turn

but you can say that more generally when i vest

·

9/12, 3:53pm

SingleInNewYork

I won't hold my breath

·         

9/12, 3:53pm

CheapAss

for me to vest?

·         

9/12, 3:54pm

SingleInNewYork

For you to pay more

·         

9/12, 3:54pm

CheapAss

i don't want to emasculate you or challenge your independence

·         

9/12, 3:55pm

SingleInNewYork

Trust me, that won't happen

·         

9/12, 3:57pm

CheapAss

i know, because i won't do it

·         

9/12, 3:57pm

CheapAss

·         

9/12, 3:57pm

SingleInNewYork

Won't do what?

Emasculate me? Or pay?

·         

9/12, 3:57pm

CheapAss

won't challenge your indpendence

·         

9/12, 3:58pm

SingleInNewYork

My independence will not be challenged if the guy I am dating is paying

Is it emasculating to you when I pay?

·         

9/12, 3:59pm

CheapAss

no, it feels like a partnership which it should since we both work

(and you are not in, say, a low-end retail job)

·         

9/12, 4:01pm

SingleInNewYork

Chivalry must be dead to to

You

·         

9/12, 4:15pm

CheapAss

i consider that a success from a gender equality perspective

·         

9/12, 4:16pm

SingleInNewYork

I consider that being cheap

·         

9/12, 4:17pm

CheapAss

i consider it entitlement and/or hiring an administrative assistant and sex worker

assuming both partners are fiscally capable

if i was on a date with a student with no income, i'd pay, no questions asked

·         

9/12, 4:21pm

SingleInNewYork

It's etiquette

If you want a gf you need to adopt to social standards

·         

9/12, 4:25pm

CheapAss

it's rude and entitled on a woman's part

·         

9/12, 4:25pm

SingleInNewYork

I don't think so

Are you saying that our split should be proportional to our salary?

Also how is staying the weekend in Boston saving shareholder's $$

·         

9/12, 4:47pm

CheapAss

that isn't, doing it once as comp for having to go there even though i don't get comp time

·         

9/12, 4:49pm

CheapAss

if we were splitting housing costs or things like that i would be saying that; at this stage,we both have professional jobs and we're not incurring large expenses where the balance is really an issue so i think it's easier to 50-50 it, since neither of us likely wants to get into disclosing those kinds of details.

·         

9/12, 5:20pm

SingleInNewYork

It takes a certain type of chick to put up with you

·         

9/12, 5:56pm

CheapAss

an awesome one?

Oh the Irony

I met this religious physicist from OkCupid. He is extremely smart, established, and really cute in a nerdy way.

We chatted on and off for a bit. He lives in DC, but he commutes to NY every couple of weeks because his family lives here. When we first met, there was immediate attraction. The only thing that was a turn off was that big ass cross that he wears across his neck and it is like a sign from Jesus to warn me against this guy.

Anyway, I went away for a couple of weeks on vacation and we were chatting about how amazing it would be (mostly for him) if we'd hook up. He claimed that he will last for a long time and didn't want to meet up the day that I land. We chatted for a few more weeks and he finally came to NY.

We got it on pretty heavily and he had a nice body, been doing crossfit for a few months and I can tell, those guns didn't maintain by itself. So when he entered me, literally 10 seconds later, I think he came, because he told me to slow down and I just stopped and he had that face... and I rode him for a few more strides and I really can't feel shit.

The worst is acting like I am enjoying it. Gawd... the irony. I wonder if I will see him again, or if he is dead from embarrassment.

Chocolate Drama

So the Faceblock guy is in Dublin for a conference, an excerpt on what he wrote to me over text:

FB: I really like this cholate from Dublin
Me: Oh yeah? You should bring some back for me
FB: Most of it will melt
Me: You should put it in a ziplock and then put it in a freezer
FB: No freezer, no bags either, I am sure somewhere in NY you can get them, any kind of British store should have them
Me: Ugh, not going to make that effort
FB: Then you will continue your unenlightened life
Me: Stop teasing me with chocolate, if you are not bringing anything back, don't mention it to me
FB: You will get over it.

That mushroom dick can find another moss to grow on. 

Mr. Faceblock

A few months ago, I met this guy who works for the Empire is that currently taking over the world, let's call that Empire Faceblock.

1st date - He is charming, nerdy and had a great smile. We went for bubble tea on our first date. Immediately, I knew he was too smart for me. He uses words that I've only seen on SAT verbal. I just quietly nod and pretend to be interested. Apparently he thought we had a fantastic first date, on the other hand, I only said about 10 words and nodded a lot.

My first impression of him was that he is balding, short and kind of gay. The inflections of his voice is not 100% hetero. Well at least I like my men with a very masculine voice.

2nd date- We had thai food, this is when I realized that he is kind of snobby, every time I make a remark of how much I love trashy tv shows, there was a few seconds of silence and then I see the judgement in his eyes. Those soulful eyes that says, you fucking retard, I am only with you cuz you are hot.

We ended the date with a kiss, surprisingly he is an amazing kisser.


3rd date plus: for someone who works at faceblock, he lets me play quite often. I am all about being equal and being a feminist, but come on! We started to take our relationship to the next level and moved to 3rd base. When we started to fool around, and he took of his pants, it took me a good 5  minutes to locate where his dick was. I had to dig through a forest of pubic hair and pull out my tweezers to locate his dick. OMG, it is really small. Especially after I have been with Mr. Footlong from Philly. I had to be GGG and gave him a BJ, apparently has very specific instructions on how he likes his bjs and has sensitivity issues around his head which made me have lock jaw. After a few failed attempts, I finally got him off. The velocity of his ejaculation was so fast, that a few sperm came out of my nose.

Last night: Previously, I told him that I like to be dominated in bed, which is mainly true. I was dead ass tired and we were fooling around again. Mainly I wanted to sleep over cuz my apt does not have AC installed and his apt has central air. As we were making out, he said: "well my dick isn't going to suck itself" I was shocked and appalled. WTF, beggers cannot be choosers. I was ready to get the fuck out of his place. Who says that to me? who the fuck does he think he is? I think he clearly was apologetic when he realized that I was not going to suck his dick and that I was going to leave.

Mrs. Doubtfire

Just received this... What would Dan Savage do? 

Hey, I am sorry for the emailing delay. I am always hesitant at this part but I need to know if you are comfortable with the fact that in private I crossdress. It's not a choice and only the person I am dating needs to know. I would never do anything to embarrass you but it is only fair that you know beforehand. Please realize that there is 99% more to me than that and it is only done in private. I would like to continue to email you!

Speed Dating

A few years ago, I somehow got in touch with someone who organizes these speed dating events in New York. A few weeks ago, after not hearing from him in years, he texted me asking me if I had time to go to a speed dating event cuz they needed more girls.

I naturally said yes, cuz I didn't have anything to do that evening. I put on my little black dress and my heels and trekked my way to alphabet city. I was also half an hour late, but the men there seemed pretty desperate. When I stepped in, I saw that the girls were slim pickings. Here are some of the men I have encountered.

Guy: So is this your first time speed dating?
Me: No, I am a veteran
Guy: oh, so what are you doing for Mother's day?
Me: Oh, I have no idea, I hope my daughter plans something good for me.

Seeing the reaction on their faces were priceless. I hate these speed dating events, especially the Asian ones, where all they care is your circumstances. Where you went for school, where you live, what you do for a living etc. 

Guy: Is this what you wear for work? (I was dressed pretty slutty that day, and I was working from home that morning)
Me: No, I wore a lot less

Guy: How old are you?
Me: 45
Guy: OH wow, you look really good for your age.


Long story short, I met this handsome black guy at the bar, he was winging for his annoying friend who I just lied to during speed dating. I was flirting with him hard, and he got my number. After speed dating the three of us started chatting, he texted me during the conversation and asked if I wanted to get out of there with him. I met him in the bathroom and we fooled around for a minute. I made up some excuse and left the bar, we later met at Grand Central and took a cab to my house. We fucked so hard. He was amazing!!! The myth is true, once you go black, you really don't wanna go back. He also had amazing skin, it smelled like almond. Reminds me of the black stripper we hired for my friend's bachlorette's party in Vegas.

The next morning, he promised that he will text, like everyone else I brushed it aside. A few days later, he did text, but really wasn't saying anything of substance. So I texted back, "So when are you going to ask me out?" No response!! 

oh well, luckily dicks are free and plentiful.

Too Large to Charge

I don't know what is wrong with me. Have I lost my mojo? The history teacher is great, he is hot (think younger, fatter, whiter, less gay version of Ricky Martin) 

He came up last weekend to NY from Philadelphia, is it moving too fast? I mean technically, it is only our 2nd date. But he seemed like a nice guy and harmless enough. We frolicked together near my hood, and continued frolicking on my bed. GAWD DAMN, he is a great kisser. I wanted to be demure and prude, I held out on sex for the first night, the next day. I really couldn't help myself. One thing led to another and we ended up frolicking on my bed. He has a HUGE dick. I think one of the largest I've seen. It was glorious, the type that dildos are modeled after. 

He has a huge problem getting off, I fear he uses the death grip when he masturbates. Which is a huge problem, cuz I don't think my {()} is ever tight enough. I can't say I thoroughly enjoyed having sex with him. For some reason, I was dry as the Sahara.  He is hot, well spoke, well mannered and I am extremely attracted to him, but for some reason, my libido takes a nose dive. Maybe it is because he may be too big???? Is that even possible? Perhaps it is the condom? not sure. The foreplay is fantastic, but when it comes to the actual sex part, it just takes so fucking long. Who the hell wants to get slammed by a giant 10 inch pole for 45 min straight. I think a good 10-15 minutes is good enough for me, then I just wanna crawl into a ball and hibernate. 

We tried again last night, I had some alcohol in me trying to loosen me up. I can't even finish him off!!! What shame have I brought to my gender. He txted me this morning saying that he was sorry and took advantage of me. WHO IS HE? WTF?!?! Pretty sure I was taking advantage of him. God, he is so hot. Think Eric Bana

Dry spell ended

I am watching a rerun of Hitch on TBS, Hitch claims that 1st kiss comes around the 3rd date. How unrealistic is this?!?! Who the hell kisses on 3rd dates anymore. I usually don't kiss on the 1st dates since it is super awkward. But if there is a 2nd or 3rd date, I would like to test drive the car.

I went on a date with a HS history teacher last week in Philly. We had an amazing time, the one complaint I had about him is that he kept mentioning how broke he is. How unattractive is that? Dropping little hints on how he can't afford to do shit, cuz he is broke. He also has 3 roommates, who in their early 30s have roommates anymore. He also says "Do you know what I mean?" a lot. A LOT, meaning he says this 3 or 4 times in a sentence. That shit bothers the shit out of me, if you know what I mean.

I think he wants to take things seriously, not sure if I am ready for this especially when I met someone super hot at dodge-ball. He looks 19, but is actually 25. Whatever, he is a youngin, but I definitely want to smoosh that cub.

Dry Spell

Update for the past few weeks: I am going through a dry spell. The last sexual encounter I had was a pump and dump. This is what happens when I had my hopes up. He was okay, nothing spectacular. He came over to my hotel room, we fucked for a few minutes, and then he stayed just so he doesnt feel like a douche and then left. Never heard from him again. Dang that was harsh. Thought I was going to marry him, gotta scrap the wedding plans now. 

Another one bites the dust

Thursday: I texted the doctor if he wanted to have dinner, he said he would like to cook for me. I was busy and didn't respond.

Friday: I called him and texted him if we are still on for dinner, no response.

Saturday: 

DOC: Let's try this again. Would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow? If so, please respond in a timely fashion so I know how much food to buy... 8:11 PM

Me: No 8:33 PM

Me: I thought we were suppose to have dinner on Friday 8:36 PM

DOC: Don't play dumb. You know you should confirm when I offer to cook for you. 9:05 PM

Me: Oh... Sorry that was a miscommunication, I was busy and didn't respond. But I called you AND texted you yesterday with no response 9:07 PM

DOC: So you felt disrespected being ignored? Shocking. Maybe you can meet a more easy-going guy on couchsurfers... 9:19 PM

AND THAT IS THE END OF THAT FOLKS!

Stinky body

So there is this doctor that I have been seeing on and off. We have been hooking up a few times and it is just meh.

He has a very annoying foreplay dirty talk. I always have this internal giggle whenever he says shit like, "um...... you make me so big and hard" bwahhahahahahaha!!!

1. He is not big! talking about how big it is, DOES not miraculously make it any bigger.
2. His moan is kind of annoying, don't know how to describe it. A total turn off.
3. He kind of smells, he claims that he takes mad showers and watches his hands often, but he smells like BO. I am thinking of tactful ways of asking him to clean his dick before my lips touch it. Luckily allergy season is coming up so I won't be able to smell it that much.

Last weekend, I broke my rule. I slept over, cuz I was too cheap to take a cab home. Decided to wait until the morning so I can ride the MTA. He woke up at 3am, got really horny, and I was completely passed out. He proceeded to feel me up and started jerking off next to me. I was going in and out of sleep until when he fucking ejaculated all over me. WTF, I rushed into the shower, and he doesn't even have body wash! who the fuck uses soap these days. Needless to say, I was annoyed, but still was able to fall asleep quickly in his expensive tempurpedic mattress.

Couch Surfer Creep

Thursday evening, I read this fantastic article about being more generous on NYT: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/31/magazine/is-giving-the-secret-to-getting-ahead.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&

Next morning, I received an innocuous request from Couch Surfing. I always wanted to give back to the community and I had a pretty flexible schedule this weekend, so I decided to host this chef/DJ from LA. 

I should've guessed that he was weird, since he took the greyhound from LA to NY. Who the fuck takes the greyhound for 3 days. We spoke briefly on the phone and he seemed pretty normal, he was interviewing with a ramen noodle place in NJ and we planned to meet up at 5. 

He showed up at my place and he was pretty decent looking. Very passionate about food, and spoke very highly about himself but contracted himself pretty often. We hit it off, but I started doubting some of the stuff he said. He claimed that he has a ton of friends in NY, but yet, he is not staying with them. He claimed that he is rich, but yet he is on couchsurfing and also taking the greyhound. He is also a creepo, cuz he is on POF. Apparently he met a stalker on there and she is texting her non-stop. There was a lot of sexual tension between us and we started to make out. But I needed to leave to hang out with a friend and I told him I will be back. 

Long story short, I came back to find an empty apartment and he was no where in sight. I texted him saying that I've arrived but he left his phone in my apt. Around 3am, his phone started ringing, and I figured it was him calling himself to find out where I lived. It turned out to be two hispanic dudes doing my couch surfer a favor. They walked him back to my place. The couchsurfer was sooooooooooo drunk, he started rambling about how he beat people up. He came up to my place and started become such a drama queen. He claimed that he is in love with me. He wants to have a life with me and he kept wanting to go down on me. 

I had to push him off me 50x throughout the night. He kept threatening to leave, and when I finally allowed him, he wouldnt go. At this point, I was kind of scared that he may rape me or harm me and I really wanted him to leave. Next morning, he asked if I wanted him to leave, and I said yes. He looked really surprised, I don't know why?!!?!? He begged to stay and I said no. So he claimed to have texted the crazy stalker girl and he is staying at her place. He was overall a weirdo. Oh yeah, before he left, he still wanted to go on a date with me. Yeah right!! 

Last night, I got these text from him, asswipe!

	CrAy Cray (323) 636-2974 - home 3/30/13 9:23 PM 19 hours ago
CrAy Cray: Sorry for leaving so abruptly... 1:23 PM CrAy Cray: I will redeem myself. 1:24 PM CrAy Cray: Get some some sleep 1:24 PM CrAy Cray: I so sorry... 9:10 PM CrAy Cray: I will leave you a good review. 9:21 PM CrAy Cray: I will let everyone know that you've been pretty easy to fuck. 9:22 PM CrAy Cray: Thank god for video. 9:22 PM CrAy Cray: PS pretty eAsy 9:23 PM