Annoyance

Met up with a guy from eHarmony for a second date. I can sense that he was thirsty, following up with a 2nd date only after 3 days. But I had nothing better to do, so I agreed to go to dinner and a comedy club with him.

At the comedy club, we were seated in the front row, the prime location of being picked on. Since the place was tiny and there were only 10 people in the audience, my date and I were obviously going to get picked on. So one comedian asked us if we are dating, I said "NO" and he said "YES" and the comedian immediately moved on.

This MOFO is kind of annoying, he really wants to get to know me via text message. He asked me what my favorite cuisine is and how my day is going. WHO the fuck cares!!! I hate getting to know someone via text message.

Him: How would you describe good sex, it's very subjective. 10:30 AM

Me: Good foreplay and a huge cock. 10:32 AM

Him: Hmmm.. I see huge cock, how huge? 10:35 AM

Me: Ha, you will know it when you see it. 10:50 AM

Him Lol, that huge heh? I would careful you may get hurt 10:51 AM

I doubt that... 

The sound of Yum

I once hooked up with a man that keeps saying mmmmmmmmmmm while having sex. It was one of the biggest turn offs I have ever encountered. It wasn't sexy like a slight mmmmmm like a moan, instead it sounded like he was eating a delicious pork bun and licking his fingers. He sounded like a fat kid who was stuck in fat camp for a week and then indulged in an all you can eat buffet. That MMMMMMM sound was sooo disgusting and needless to say the session did not last long. Nor did our "relationship",

I admit that I am finger lickin' good, but that sound was just mm... sucked.

So, what are you looking for?

It comes a point on a first date, where the guy would ask me "So, what are you looking for?"

I always thought this is a tricky question. I don't want to blatantly insult a guy, but I also want to tell the truth. So, my mind goes racing thinking about something appropriate to say. It's not like I can say, I am looking for someone with hair to a bald guy, or say I am looking for a tall man to a short guy. 

Instead what came out of my mouth was... I am looking for someone with the same core values as me, honestly at this age, the choices are limited and everything else is superficial. 

I partially believed in what I said cuz where the hell can I find 6ft tall, handsome, accomplished, rich, big dick, great in the sack, STRAIGHT male these days? When I was teenager, my requirements were so simple, I just wanted someone who was hot and smart. Actually he probably doesn't need to be that smart either. I didn't think of requirements such as hair. As I grew older, I didn't realize how important hair is! Not many people can pull off the non-haired look. This is why there are hair club for men (which doesn't seem very hip or cool). Now I am in my late 20s, I am thinking about requirements such as income, family values, sense of humor, education... etc. 

After much thought I think it boils down to three points:

1. Someone to have fun with and travel around the world with
2. Someone to make me be a better person
3. Someone good in bed

Many of the superficial qualities are buried in one of the points above.
Point 1, in order to have fun and be able to travel the world the man must be financially independent
Point 2, he probably need to be smart and motivated in order to motivate me to be a better person. I want someone who can challenge me and put me in my place (in and out of bed)
and finally Point 3, in order to be good in bed, he should probably be hot, cuz I don't open my {()} for just any schmuck.

Pretty sure in 10 years, my requirements will revert back to my teenage desires of just finding a hot man (just with hair this time). 

My Life in a Chart

As I feel my eggs getting wrinkles in my gonads... I have plotted a chart of how I feel. 

My self esteem is based solely based on the number of messages I get from OkCupid and eHarmony. My tolerance and pickiness level is also directly correlated.

Cold Sores Saboteurs

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I decided to spend NYE in Panama City. We stayed in Calle Uruguay, allegedly the party capital of Panama City. As Carlson Daly counted down the seconds to midnight, my girlfriend and I were the only chicas in the club. The DJ gave us a shout out: "Dos Chicas necessito tequila" and boy did we EVER! Apparently all the Panamanians were celebrating the New Year with their families.

At around 2am, as we were club hopping, we met two Americans from Minneapolis.  One of them had a clear interest in my gf, so I was stuck with the grenade. The four of us danced the night away. The grenade and I were making small talk and he told me that he used to be a reggae DJ. This 6ft 4in white male told me he was a raggae DJ. After 4 drinks, he slowly became more interesting to me, so I named him Mr. Bombastic. At the end of the night, he wanted to kiss me, naturally I wanted to play hard to get and gave him the cheek, we exchanged phone numbers. I don't know if it is the New Year or if I am just my desperate self, I saw flashing images of being a Mrs. Bombastic.

Mr. Bombastic and I exchanged several texts and decided to meet up a few days later in a different city.

Background: 
Girlfriend and I have not slept for over 40 hours, this is after an 8 hour bus ride from Panama City to Boquete at 5am. The only thing we had to feast on were cinnamon raisin bread with guava jam. Needless to say we had a low immune system. I had a just a tinnnnnnnnnyyyyy little cold sore on the right corner of my mouth.

Fast Foward
Mr. Bombastic, his sidekick and my friend and I met up for dinner. My minuscule cold sore has blossomed into a full adult fever blister! I tried to sit in the dark and having Mr. Bombastic on my left side. This time, he did not try to make a move on me, he half assed in holding my hand. The next day, I politely texted him a cordial message saying that I had fun and that we should keep in touch.

A few days later...This is after my gf and I have already planned my dream wedding with Bombastic, she has already planned her speech at my wedding.

NOTHING! and that is the end of my relationship with Mr. Bombastic, I can't even shag shaggy.

YOLO

A twat once told me to YOLO, instead of looking for a serious relationship.

YOLO as Urban dictionary likes to define is "Carpe Diem" for dump people. YOLO gets people pregnant, YOLO makes people not maxing out 401K contributions. All in all, YOLO is a huge mistake.

But YOLO also gets you laid! By living the philosophies of pure YOLOing, I make short sighted decisions, which is probably why I am going out tonight and making naughty mistakes.

Musical Chair

Dating in New York City is complicated to say the least.

There are way too many eligible accomplished single women in this beautiful city and not enough men. That is why when an eligible man is available, women cling on to him like blood sucking leeches. Because of all the attention that single men in the city get from desperate women, these men naturally transform into assholes. As one of my fabulous friend once said, you treat women like dirt, they stick like mud. I see this transformation slowly metamorphosize with my high school friends. They are nice, but yet they are complete dickheads to women.

Another fabulous and single girlfriend once said about women dating in their 30's. Dating is like playing musical chair, you don't want to be the last one standing when the music stops. 

Or do I...?  Those chair better be Herman Millers and not some $5 Ikea imitations.

First date from eHarmony

After weeding through almost 70 desperate applicants, I have decided to go out with this guy, lets call him Mr. Snore. He asked me out for coffee, seemingly harmless. I know it is expensive for men to date, they have to shell out a lot of $$ for a date and maybe the majority of them do not end up in ass.

Mr. Snore sure earned his nickname. We have completely divergent interests. He likes the opera and likes to hike 8+ hours a day. He also sounds a little gay, what is up with me attracting questionably straight men?

Le Sigh... I am not even close to earning my $16/mo membership back. Considering it took me $5 to go to Tribeca for a $4 cup of coffee. 

Awkward Silence

So I have been seeing this guy for a while, I am going to call him Mr. Perfect, because he is annoyingly perfect.

Background: 
We went to HS together and 11 years later, I bumped into him on the subway. He wanted to "catch up". One "catch up" lead to another and now we are fucking. Unfortunately we are both extremely busy people, and we only see each other once a month. This means I do not get constant ass. For the longest time I suspected him to be a closeted homo. The first time we hooked up, he lost his erection and he was pounding me like a jackhammer. Now I guess we hook up once a month and it is just vanilla.


Fast forward to last weekend:
We were "catching up" again and somehow he ended up in my bed after a session of fornication.

He asked me what my New Year's resolution was. I said, I want to be in a serious relationship. 3 minutes of awkward silence passed. In my head, what he said was: Oh, that's nice, good luck!

He later passed out and didn't wake up until 10am.

On a side note:
Every time he slept over, it seems like he is catching up on his week's worth of sleep. I have never met anyone who likes to hibernate for 10 hours. 

Dating in New York

So in 2013, one of my New Year's resolution is to be in a serious relationship. The next day, eHarmony sent me this email:

Everyone deserves a second chance... So we're extending our offer for an extra 2 days!
	Find love in 2013! $15.95/month* Use promo code: aHeart4u

This has to be a sign right?!?!?! I am going to find Mr. Right on eHarmony!!! It is not like I am seeing anyone right now. So excited! I am on my way to be someone's girlfriend.

PS: I have also reinstated my profile on okcupid, which is a step up from Plentoffish (public toilet of online dating)