Pot calling the kettle black

A guy from college came to visit me over the weekend. I took his virginity so I feel like he is still kind of hung up on me. 

His is a big fella, although I have a feeling that he think he is still average. He still wears a size 32 pants but that's because he likes to tie it right below his 7 month pregnant belly. 

I sometimes have a feeling that he can't even see his penis when he pees. Last night we spend a few hours going through tinder on his phone. I finally know why I am single. Women in NY are just so fucking hot! 

Anyway, he keeps left swiping semi chubby women. 

Me: why are you left swiping these women?

Him: she's fat 

Me: she's okay! Not fat and the pot shouldn't call the kettle black.

Him: why do you mean?

Me: nevermind...

Later saw his Okcupid profile. His body type was listed as "Average" 

Lol! Maybe if the population was sumo wrestlers! 

High Pitched

Met a guy Tinder. His profile claimed that he is the McDonald's bathroom senior manager. That quickly turned me on. Senior manager!

We had great silly banter over text. We agreed that we should make out when we first meet. 

Just finished the date with him. Never met a straight guy who has a higher pitch than me. He was also a mediocre kisser and moaned a lot during the kiss. I told him to stop making noises, but he said since I had an ear congestion, I shouldn't be able to hear it anyway.

Kinda wanted to bounce after the kiss, but figured since I traveled for this lame ass date, might as well enjoy a drink. 

I did enjoyed the drink, but he sucked. On to the next one. 

Downsides of downsizing

Recently I've been actively trying to downsize. Revamping my wardrobe, throwing away unused furniture and really trying to live the life of a minimalist.

One area that I am NOT trying to downsize is penis size. However for some reasons I've been encountering men with tiny fucking penis. 

Last night was my birthday party. I made out with this guy, whom we shared a mutual friend. We eventually went to his house. He's a solid average kisser, but when he told me to touch his penis, I was immediately turned off. I just couldn't continue. It was like pin the tail on the penis. The longest thing about this guy was the commute home. 

This guy, the unicorn and another recent hookup. I am cursed with small dicks. On the profile, next to their height, should be penis size. 

Like this guy

We will not get along

Not even going to bother continuing the conversation

Psycho

I am generally quite open minded. But I found my boundaries during this date I had with this psycho. 

He was into kink, as am I. We quickly bonded over tinder text and decided to meet at a diner. 

He was a self proclaimed bondage master. He said he wanted to tie me up. I asked what do you want to do with me? 

Him: I would love to tie you up and stuff you with my piss funnel. 

Me: What's that? 

Him: A funnel where I pee in. 

Me: What else do you want to do with me? 

Him: I want to cut your legs 

Me: What? 

Him: Did you not see my pictures on fetlife, I just did it to a girl yesterday. 

Crazy... 

Indian touch!

I knew it! This is why only Indian and black men message me! 

Dissapointment

Connected with someone on Tinder. For some reason only black and Indian men message me. 

This gentlemen is black, looked muscular from his pictures. However, when we finally met, he is this pudgy short man. He was sporting suspenders (is it because he can't find a belt that will fit that waist?),a bow tie and a fedora. He claimed that he is not a hipster, but his outfit indicated otherwise. 

He seemed like a well mannered guy and we had a few drinks. It was getting late and he eluded if we should go to my apt. We were making out in the cab and found out that he is a Muslim and is one out of 10 kids. His dad was a gang leader and quit to be a teacher or something like that. 

We starting making out in the living room and migrated quickly to my bed. When he started stripping (which took a long time to peel away his "non-hipster" outfit) I saw this tiny black twig of a dick. It was the size of my index finger. It appeared especially small with the back drop of his thunder thighs. I was horny and I let him enter me. He kept saying "damn you tight, damn this is good" meanwhile on my side, I couldn't feel shit. After 2 minutes he came and then went. 

I finally found a unicorn. A black man with a tiny penis. He would be a good starter anal dick

Another marriage proposal

Do I give off a vibe?

Plush body

Urkle said I have a plush body, meanwhile he can eat a loaf of bread a day and still maintain his 6 pack. Although his ass is extremely high for his height. It comes to my chest,   

He claims he's a nerd trapped in an athletes body....

He claims he would get rock hard veiny erection. I have not witnessed this, every time we had sex it always seems semi flacid. 

It feels good to know he's the best he's ever had

Did I do that part 2

We later checked into one of the best hotels in Bangalore, I wanted to get him into the mood. We were both out of the shower and smelled so fresh and so clean clean. I was excited, thinking, I will finally get some long awaited cock. 

He just can't perform. I asked him what's wrong and I can see the internal struggle in his eyes. I was thinking, shit, he was molested by a priest when he was young. 

After a long time, he confessed he was a virgin. a sound that is unmistakenly that of a laughter came out of my mouth for a few minutes. This is also the moment I've  decided to de flower him. 

It turned out he is a master jerker, the way he describes his jerk sessions is the same way some people describe their sex conquest. Later I found out, he is a victim of the death grip. 

Oops, did I do that?

Urkle was his name, and flacid is his game. Went to india with a boy, his face has this familiarity that I can't quite put my finger on... Until he said he looks like urkle from family matters. He was 25, frat boy, athletic. 

He had an ass that can't lie and hips that made all the girls come to the yard. This fucker had a lean, a mean and some what disproportionate body. He had the sense of humor of a cardboard box and the maturity of a teenager. 

We were stuck together 24x7 for 30 days! In the beginning of the trip, he boasted he had sex with 30 women, claimed he is a connoisseur of pussies and we made a bet and the loser gets to go down on the other. Me, being obviously the smarter of the two won. 

I told him I wanted rickshaw sex, he agreed.

First attempt:  We were driving to a city I no longer recall and we ran out of gas on the highway in the middle of the night. This would've be been the perfect place, bit  within a few minutes a curious Indian did a u-turn on the highway asked us if we needed help. We have just filled the tank and we were fooling around in the back seat, we had to quickly get our shit together so he doesn't start taking selfies with two butt ass naked foreigners. 

After that incident, we drove off to a better patch of dark roads. But Urkle, for the life of him couldnt resuscitate his limp dick. 

Second attempt: pulled into this isolated patch of words, tried again and his dick was dying, I was giving him evil glare while he was rapidly pumping with his hands. After a good 5 minutes, his Dick gave its final breath and spewed out some semen and died for good. 

One huge turn off of his, when he is jerking off, he likes to open his mouth half way. It looks like he was dying of thirst and that my pussy was the only thing that can quench it. Severely unattractive.

Third attempt: we were driving in a national park, pulled into a forbidden driveway, risking being trampled by elephants, his dick was too shy and was tucked away. For good. 

Place of 2nd attempt 

Rickshaw sex - ticked!

I always wanted to get fucked in a rickshaw, now that I'm older plain old vanilla sex is no Bueno, need to spice it up a bit. 

After my partner failed to please me after many attempts, I was desperate. It was my last night in Cochi with the rickshaw and I was this hunger in my eyes that I'm sure others sensed. 

I went up to a guy that I've been talking to on and off throughout the run, and said, "I really regret not having rickshW sex" he said lets go and make it happen. And it did!

We went to the playgrounds where all the rickshaws were parked and picked a rickshaw all the way in the back. On be way to the parking lot, I yelled if he had a condom, and I didn't realize one of the organizers was behind me as I was shouting. But who cares, she probably knew. 

Also, the curious security guard kept following up and wanting to know more about us. 

Finally after some talking he left us to drink beer with his follow guards. 

The sex was very hot, hot as in the humid kind. Luckily the rickshaw was equipped with curtains and we pulled it down for some privacy. We stopped a few times thinking someone will catch us. 

The sex itself was average at best, it wasn't the first time I saw his dick, so I've already had set expectations. I was sweating like I was in a sex sprint. And finally he came and we quickly left. 

This is so me!

House Boy 2

I have been talking to my friends about needing to hire a maid and a personal assistant. If I can't even be bothered to bend down and pick up my dirty sock, I sure am not going to dust and clean my kitchen. As I put this request out on the universe, this house boy fell on my lap. He is a lovely older gentleman who loves to serve.

After speaking with him for an hour or so on the phone, I gathered my courage and decided to adopt him as my houseboy.

Me: Have you seen GOT? 9:11 PM

Reek: No. Maybe 2 episodes. Looks good but i got rid of hbo. 9:12 PM

Reek: Are you a fan of it? 9:13 PM

Me: No, I found a nickname for you. Reek, he is a character from GOT 9:15 PM

Reek: Lol sounds good. Maybe I will look him up and try to mimic him. 9:17 PM

Reek: I think that you can be clever and cruel. That is a perfect mix for a houseboy like me. Don't be nice until after we are done. 9:23 PM

Me: My bathroom awaits your service 10:06 PM

Reek: Yes my queen....from reek ;) 10:07 PM

House Boy

Have you ever had a houseboy? I'd love to serve you. I know it's a bit different, but I am a normal guy.....just submissive in private. A houseboy is someone who would clean your apt, give you massages, run some errands and do as you say in private. If you are interested, feel free to ask me anything. 

Sent on Jun 20

Block themReport

ME

You know you can get paid to be someone's personal assistant

Sent from the OkCupid app  Jun 20

Him

I already have a job that pays pretty good. I am looking for a bossy woman in private. Someone who wants a guy to do the little things, like clean her kitchen or bathroom or massage her feet when she needs it.
I know it sounds weird, but there are a lot of normal guys that just want to be submissive to women. It's just so hard to go up to a woman in a bar or wherever and tell her: "Hi, I'm submissive and want you to control me and boss me around."
So okcupid is just a way of putting myself out there.
Does something like that interest you and can you be bossy?

Sent on Jun 22

Me

What do you expect in return?

Sent from the OkCupid app  Jun 22

Him

I don't expect anything, except for you to be dominant. I like the feeling of being privately humiliated by a woman. I like the feeling of a woman being in control and telling me what to do. I'm not looking for sex. If you can act dominant and bossy, then that's a good thing. You don't have to be that way in your real life, just when I am serving you. Do you think you can be dominant?

Sent on Jun 22

Me

This really just sound too good to be true

Sent from the OkCupid app  Jun 22

Him

haha, it's not too good to be true. Why not think about it and then we can meet the day you want me to come serve you. We could meet for coffee and talk first, then if you are still interested, I would come clean for you and do as you say. Maybe by the weekend? Or one day next week? Whatever you wish.

Sent on Jun 22

So rude

Tinder in Paris

                                                                      

Mating Habits of Birds

I had a long conversation with a man at work who used to study the mating habits of birds for 12 years. I asked him give me one lesson that he's learned through his research that I can apply in my life.

He said: the biological clock is real, and that if I want to have kids, that I need to be less picky. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Also another interesting fact. Birds are socially monogamous, but when their partner is away they tend to cheat. Just like humans!

Keep little Italy to yourself

I hate men who are too presumptuous or overly optimistic. Didn't hear from him.  Also, Little Italy is only a 15 minute walk or a 5 min cab ride to Soho! 

Told my bff this, our exchange:

Come to bed

Going no where

He's right...

People suck

Douchbag

went on a 2nd date with someone. Feedback.

He said if sex is good, he will date me.

Bff's response 

Oh well

Catfished again

This dude sent me a pic of himself cuz he's a doctor and doesn't want his patients to see him on a dating site. He sent me this:

reverse google image search indicated he was Salman Khan. Our conversation went like this. 

Ain't nobody got time for small talk

Did I just get rejected?

Him: Hi MYNAME, I wanted to thank you fondly for the comic and unique invite last night. And for giving me a ride back to the city. 2:21 PM

Him: Keep up with the fun happy energy and have a great rest of the weekend. 2:21 PM



I think this is goodbye and have a good life. Ironically the event that he is referring to is a valentine's special called the rejection show. Where people talked 4 minutes about their best rejection.