Dumped for Jesus.. Again

Mr. Perfect, the guy I have been hooking up on and off for about 2 years have decided to end our relationship. Recently his estranged grandmother passed away and he suddenly had the calling to be reborn. 

After I gave birth to his penis, he decided to tell me this great news. Christmas will be the day that he will be a new self. He wants to align his birth with Jesus'. He goes on about how he sees actors and athletes always thanking God, and he thinks that God took them to the next level of performance. He was drawing the curve in the air was he was explaining it to me. He wants his performance to have a steeper incline. 

I told him I was happy for him, and of course sad for me as we can no longer hook up. I didn't really see our "relationship" going anywhere either, but I am happy for him, as he can maybe die and resurrect like Jesus during Easter. 

Working on yourself?

Mittens sent me this email saying that he's taking a hiatus from dating to work on himself. 

Then I see his profile active again on okcupid. Our exchange 

Business lead

I confronted Mittens - the guy who lied to me about his occupation. He told me he was a manager and turned out to be an executive assistant. 

Being in HR technology and knowing what system they use. It is quite easy to add in a title. Also my friend at the same company send me this. 

Eggs

Eggs, I want eggs. 

Shiv the woman

I finally know how hard it is to be a man. Dating Shiv is like dating an emotionally immature woman.  I made a mistake, I was thinking with my {()} and it got me in to trouble. No sex is worth putting me through this shit.

Shiv picks a fight with me over the smallest things. 

1. He asked me over text if I missed him. I ignored him and continued to talk about something else. Later that evening, he said I was selfish and didn't care about him because I didn't respond to his text. 

2. Whenever we fight, he would bring up the past and issues that we've closed. 

3. He would twist my words in a way that served his argument 

4. He always threaten to leave me, always saying, I am out and once I am out I am out. I don't make the same mistake three times. blah blah blah. We always end up in bed together. 

I decided to end things with him last week because of this incident.. 

I had asked him and his co-lead for a document at work by Friday. A week after the due date, I followed up with him and his co-lead asking for this document. He went psycho on me. Called me 10x and yelled at me at how I don't trust him and that I am evil inside and how dare I copy his co-lead. He then exacted his revenge by writing an email to my leadership saying that I put sensitive data on share point and calling me out. I told him it was over, he called and started crying and begging for a second chance. But how can I when he send me this shit whenever he gets mad. 

Turrets

It's been a while since I heard from this guy. He hit me up recently and we decided to go for a comedy power point show.

Turrets: What do you think?? http://www.housingworks.org/events/detail/night-school-a-lowbrow-lecture-series-nov2014/ 2:34 PM Me: sounds interesting, see you there! 3:30 PM Turrets: Cool see you at 7! 3:32 PM Me: Here 6:57 PM Me: Sitting next to the bar 6:59 PM Turrets: Sorry just getting here 7:06 PM Me: I drink red :) 7:06 PM Turrets: At bar sorry it's been a while. I dont have your pic lol. What are yoy wearing? 7:09 PM Turrets: I've got red shoes, light gray hoodie 7:10 PM

Why the hell did he hit me up if he forgot how I looked like?!?! After the comedy show, we went to eat tacos nearby. As we were talking, I noticed that he was suppressing this tick. He kept shrugging his shoulder every 10 seconds. I finally asked if he was on something, cocaine, heroine or molly. He told me he had turrets, the non-cursing one.  I was already turned off the fact that he didn't remember who I am, now I just want to get out of here. He asked for the check and proceeded to ask me to chip in $10 for a $15 check. 

I will never see him again. Ever. 

Advice From Reddit

Posted a question on Reddit:

Best Response from Reddit:

A little bitch

I've been recently hooking up with someone at work. He is separated and but legally married. He isn't filing for divorce until he gets his citizenship, which god know how long it will take.

I've told him on numerous occasions that we are non-exclusive and that I'm looking for a serious BF. There are also a few things that I don't like about him. Here's a few. 

1. He is annoying. Like legit annoying, he will laugh at his own non-funny jokes. Such as, it's Monday hahahhahaha, I had lunch hahahhahaha, I am tired hahahhahaha. Not only are his jokes not funny, his laugh is irritating as fuck.

2. He is irrational - one example, there's a mockumentary about mermaids which is pretty well know to be a fake documentary aired during monster week or something on national geographic. I went on snoops, and they said that the documentary even said that it is fake! But this mofo refuses to believe it. He thinks it is a conspiracy that the government set up just like 9/11. I told him no matter what I say, or how much evidence I present, he will still think it's real. And that's why he is religious, 

3. He is needy and possessive, he calls me 5x a day and demands to FaceTime with him constantly. We don't have much to say, but he just wants to call me. 

4. He rambles a lot about nothing. 

Despite all that, the sex is incredible, he is great at cuddling and really know how to move his hips. According to him, it is because of the kettle bell swings exercises. 

He slept over yesterday and inadvertently saw a condom wrapper, he got really upset. Like a little bitch. It's one of those tantrums that I see crazy ass bitches throw. He claims that he can't trust me anymore. How the hell have I violated his trust? How?!?!! We weren't in a fucking monogamous relationship. He asked if sex with him is so good why would I go and have sex with other people? I said well.. you love Indian food, and if you have it everyday, sometimes you just crave Chinese. He said that is a horrible analogy, its like comparing apples to oranges. I said, they are both fruits.


Now I am panicking. I don't want to lose a good and convenient booty call, so long story short, I had to apologize to him. 

He claimed that I am using the non-monogamous relationship thing as an excuse to cover up my guilt. Well ladies and gents, breaking new! I don't feel guilty, I won't feel guilty. 

He said that I need to put myself in his shoes so I know what I did wrong. Excuse me? 

Man boobs

When a rare encounter of finding a partner having bigger breast than me I seize the opportunity to caress it. 

At first like a timid teenager, I wasn't sure what to do with it. Should I ignore it and pretend it isn't big? Should I fondle it and suck on the nipple? 

I had the pleasure of finding two men with very perky C cups. Sometimes, I just want to bring them to Victoria's Secret and pick out a sexy bra for me to rip off later. 

Taking the Hint

I recently went on a date with this guy. The first date started off very well as I am well into my 7th drink. We had amazing sexual chemistry and it really helped that he was a great kisser. After a few more drinks, we somehow migrated to his apartment. We stayed up all night making out and talking about our hopes and dreams and shit. Needless to say, I was very excited to see him again. We planned on meeting the next weekend.

Throughout the week, we texted intermittently. The conversation went no where. Thursday evening, he drunk texted me. (Sign #1)

Him: I'm drunk 11:44 PM

Him: Come over 11:45 PM

Me: Who is this? 12:00 AM

Him: Senior manager 12:01 AM

Him: Hey baby 12:37

I hate drunk texts, so I didn't bother responding. We stilled planned on meeting on Saturday, with the expectation of me staying over. When we met, he asked me what my plans were on Sunday and I said nothing, but he said that he had lunch plans at 12:30 on Sunday (Sign #2) We went to watch a movie and later of course ended up at his place. We proceeded to have amazing sex (mostly on my part) and as I was passing out, he busted out his phone and started playing this airplane game. He then went to the bathroom to take a shit while playing the game. I passed out.

Next morning, I woke up to him playing this game. We chatted about some bullshit and I went to put on some clothes, and I came back to him watching someone playing a video game on his computer. (sign #3) This is when I realized I have overstayed my welcome and I said, this is my cue to leave.

He obviously had better things to do than me. As I was leaving, he spotted that I forgot my toothbrush. He said good thing I didn't leave it there cuz I'd have to use hotel toothbrush for a week. I said, good thing I didn't leave it because I'd have to see him again.


Fuck.... the sexual chemistry is amazing, but I have enough self respect to bounce when I am not wanted.

oh I get it...

Poor Bedside Manners

This doctor I used to date on and off (mostly off) has horrible bedside manners.

Doc: What are you up to tonight? 8:52 PM

Me: At the hospital, my dad had a stroke 8:52 PM

Doc: I'm sorry. Must be upsetting to see. He can recover some or all of it. Only time will tell, though... 9:07 PM

Me: Thank you. 9:11 PM

Doc: You're welcome. 9:11 PM

Doc: I still think about you. 9:11 PM

Me: Why? 9:12 PM

Doc: No other girl can turn me on like you... 9:12 PM

Doc: Something about your honesty on our first date. 9:13 PM

Doc: I just feel I can tell you about things that others consider taboo. 9:14 PM

Doc: Getting hard just thinking about it now... 9:14 PM

Me: I am not in the mood to talk about this right now 9:15 PM

Doc: I understand. I'm sorry. Best wishes to you and your family 9:16 PM

Me: We can have a candid conversation when you are back 9:16 PM

Doc: Looking forward to it... 9:16 PM

Do they do delivery?

My friend was looking out for me, but only if he delivered.

Hobbies

Perfect and I got in touch again, my friends and I recently found out (through a very in-depth facebook stalking) that Perfect has a girlfriend. We saw an album of him taking her to Per Se for her 30th birthday. This isn't a restaurant you take a normal date. This is a place where you take a person if you want to try ass fucking.

During some pillow talk, we talked about his relationship with his "ex"-girlfriend, how she doesn't appreciate how he has so many hobbies and don't prioritize her.

This is what my best friend have to say about that:

Nubbin

This guy hit me up on CMB a while back. We've been chatting on and off, he seems like a very normal, vanilla Asian guy.

His positives:

- nice body, a bit too buff from doing crossfit daily 

- nice car

- generally a nice guy, good earning potential. I think he is already a millionaire 

- he's in finance, probably can give me some tips on future investments 

- lives near me!!! 15 minute walk. Local booty. 

Negatives: 

- he wants kids, I think he's already got a fund for his kids education. This is really creepy

- he has a really ugly smile. It's a bit vomit inducing 

- he is dull, not a lot of personality. Can't really hold a conversation 

First date was fine. I could really take him or leave him. Guided by my horny {()}, we went out for a second date. He took me to this beer garden and it was aiiiight. Later on he spoiled me by getting me street meat. We took it back to my place to indulge in the lamb and eventually in each other. 

We were getting hot and heavy on my fancy 250 tread count bed sheets. My hands slowly migrated south in between his pants and I felt a nubbin. I was curious at what that was. I asked myself ... Was it a mole? Was it a pimple? Words sounding very similar to "oh shit" escaped my mouth when I realized it was his dick. Might I emphasize that it was a fully erect nubbin. 

At this point, I quickly evaluated how desperate I was. Keeping in mind I was still making out with this bloke.

He softly muttered "kiss it", and that's when my {()} suddenly created a vacuum seal and decided nothing was going to penetrate it that night. Not that his nubbin would've reached far. 

After another minute of stifling my giggles and politly making out, I told him that he should leave as I need to wake up early to work. Forgetting the fact that I told him that I was working from home that week  earlier in the evening. 

He reluctantly got dressed and left. He texted me the day after "how was working from home" and then a week later "how's your day going?" 

NO THANK YOU.

Did he just come back from Saudi Arabia?

No thank you!

received a text from an old flame today...

BBC (646) 522-0729 - home 6/3/14 9:44 PM 15 minutes ago  BBC: Hey, how goes? 9:28 PM Me: Meh 9:33 PM BBC: That good, huh? Staying busy at least? 9:39 PM Me: Always. You? 9:39 PM BBC: Finding ways to fill my days 9:41 PM Me: And how are you filling them? 9:41 PM BBC: Work and a few side things by day. A little reffing and a little randomness by night 9:43 PM BBC: Up for a drink or several some time soon? 9:44 PM Me: No thank you. 9:59 PM BBC: Did not expect that. OK 10:01 PM

Was he expecting me to respond to this?

What I do all day.

Exterminating my love life

A few years ago an exterminator came over to fume my place to get rid of my bed bugs. His English wasn't that great. As he left my apt he Took my cherry blossom lotion. He also

sent me this text.

Know when to take a hint

"that kind of persistence is scary. that's like rapist style"

I don't watch Game of Thrones

Too little too late

The moment has passed. Been chatting this dude for about 6 weeks, and we never managed to find a place to meet. It's not like we chatted everyday, much of our conversation goes like

Him: how are you
me: fine

a few days later...

Him: how are you?
me: no response...

Rejected a hookup

Yesterday Ryan Reynolds hit me up. The cheapass that made me pay for my drinks. After two weeks of silence from him, he finally emerged from the grave and wanted to hookup. I didn't want to go over to his place and he was also reluctant to come over. I think we were both too cheap to pay for a cab ride to get ass.

I ended up telling him that I don't want to hookup and he figured it wasn't worth his efforts to come. Truth be told,  I am going through a dry spell and probably would've hooked up with him if he came.

Anyway he started sending me references trying to entice me to go over to his place. This was a major turn off. These girls are mad desperate. 

Annoyer

Hello... He asked me how old I was. I said to check my profile and I had my motto, living to eat and eating to live. His response: 

Catfished?

I think I have been catfished. I was talking to someone off EH right before my subscription ended. His one profile picture was a of some hot ass guy running on the beach about to catch a football, with his arm conveniently covering his face. I messaged him because he looked hot and I wanted to maximize my subscription.

We were chatting for a few weeks and throughout this time, I kept pushing for a picture of his face. He sent me these two pictures. We chatted briefly on the phone this morning and he mentioned that he went on a date with a chick that was 50 lbs heavier than her pics online. He said that he was catfished. I've only seen a few episodes of catfish on MTV so I am familiar with the google image search. I quickly popped in these two images and it came back a match!! Apparently my secret lover is Donell Jones, a has-been R&B rapper. I am contemplating on how to confront him...

On another note, I am really feeling Donell's song right now - Where I wanna be. Its playing on repeat.

i sent him a whatsapp message. 

Tinder Incest

Being in Nairobi makes the tinder pool extremely small, there are limited many men in this city that subscribe to this application. My roommate, myself and this other chick from our building all signed up.

Today I received an email from the other chick saying this...

I've shared an item with you.

Yeah, that's right.  I made a spreadsheet so that at least we'll KNOW when we're dating the same guys! Feel free to ignore, if you find it too creepy ;)

Tinder date

Roomie convinced me to sign on tinder. She's also on tinder. The amount of men who uses this app in Africa is limited.  So we are fishing in the same pool. 

We both choose the same guy.  He is so hot. .. looks like Ryan Reynolds. The date went well. He is also from the states. Came from a long lineage of hot men. We met at a bar and had 2 drinks and conversation was flowing... went to a second bar and had 2 more and the bill came and it went to him. He said, I got the last round, do you wanna get this one?

Any thoughts of us fucking that night went out the window.  It's unfortunate,  cuz he is sooo hot. But i have some principles to uphold. Also later found out that he also texting my roommate while we were on the date.  Not too upset about that tho.  Probably cuz I was doing the same thing... 

Ha I guess we do have a lot in common.

I got dumped by limpy

I have been seeing Limpy for about 6 months now. He is a really nice guy and I love his personality. By saying that he has a great personality, that also implies that he is butt ass ugly and maybe not that great in bed.

I thought we may lead into something more serious and I can finally settle down or something. For the past few months, we've had a long distance "relationship", but it's aight, we talk pretty often and I saw him pretty much everyday when I went back to New York. He is a great guy and we have so much fun together.

Long story short, I was at a friend's house for a dinner party and he urgently wanted to talk. After polishing a bottle of wine, we chatted on facetime and he said that he thought we should be at a stage of being more serious. I was thinking, shit, he wants to ask me to be his gf. Unfortunately, the next sentence said something along the lines of we should stop seeing each other and that we are "FUNDAMENTALLY" different.

I asked how are we different? He said:
1. We have different ways of wanting to raise a family. Even if we do have a child, we will have different parental views.
2. I travel too much and I am not stable

I didn't want to be petty and say something along the lines of maybe you should fix your impotency problems first, but I was thinking it.

Oh well... Life goes on. Kinda sad tho. 

Oh the irony...

A few months ago, I went on a date with this guy. I decided not to pursue the relationship any further because he was really really dull and boring. He also didn't drink. When he texted a few months ago, I told him I was in Africa, he didn't believe me. Anyway, he continues to text me.

Annoying: Hey. What's up 1:15 PM

Me: Still in Africa 1:58 PM

Annoying: I remember. Just seeing if maybe you might come to NY for a weekend 1:59 PM

Me: Came and went 2:11 PM

Annoying: You should let me know when your in town again 2:13 PM

Me: Are you dating other people? 2:13 PM

Annoying: One but not really. You ? 2:14 PM

Annoying: Why do you ask ? 2:14 PM

Me: Why not really? I was dating someone but that ended recently 2:15 PM

Annoying: I don't like her that much. 2:15 PM

Annoying: Was he in NY ? 2:15 PM

Me: Yes in Ny. Why don't you like her? 2:17 PM

Annoying: She was boring 2:18 PM Hahahahahahah Muahhahaha

Annoying: Why did yours end ? 2:18 PM

Annoying: You made it seem like you being in Africa was a problem but you were dating that guy 2:19 PM

Annoying: You never have things much of chance. I feel like you took my not being too much on you the wrong way 2:26 PM

Me: We had fundamental differences, just like us 2:30 PM

Annoying: What differences did you see ? 2:32 PM

Me: We don't have that much to talk about. We don't have much similar interests 2:37 PM

Annoying: I'm about as eclectic as they come with interests. I'm up for anything. 2:38 PM

Me: Meh 2:38 PM

Annoying: Lol. No meh 2:39 PM

Annoying: I actually liked you so I treated you with respect rather than just acting on pure desire. 2:47 PM

Me: I appreciate that. 2:48 PM

Me: I just don't think we have that much in common. 2:48 PM

Me: But I like your persistence 2:49 PM

Annoying: If I recall correctly you contacted me first. You should have or should give things a chance. I wouldn't be persistent if I was certain things would be good. 2:49 PM

Me: Yep, cuz I think you are cute. 2:51 PM

Me: But after talking to you, realized not much to talk about. I like your enthusiasm about driving 2:52 PM

Me: But otherwise. That's it 2:52 PM

Annoying: Haha. Thanks. You have me quite wrong. 2:52 PM

Me: You really thought we had that much chemistry? Really? 2:53 PM

Me: Maybe because I was sober? 2:53 PM

This went on for a while....

Me: I did meet someone and dates for 6 months 4:15 PM

Me: Not on EH 4:15 PM

Annoying: It hasn't been since months since we meet 4:16 PM

Me: So? 4:18 PM Hahahahahahah Muahhahahahahahaha 

Annoying: Lol. Guess that was a factor in me loosing out huh. I hate the multiple dating culture of NY. 4:22 PM

Annoying: Anyway. Let me know when your back. 5:22 PM

Acceptance of reality?

Some people know reality 

While some people are delusional