Chocolate Drama

So the Faceblock guy is in Dublin for a conference, an excerpt on what he wrote to me over text:

FB: I really like this cholate from Dublin
Me: Oh yeah? You should bring some back for me
FB: Most of it will melt
Me: You should put it in a ziplock and then put it in a freezer
FB: No freezer, no bags either, I am sure somewhere in NY you can get them, any kind of British store should have them
Me: Ugh, not going to make that effort
FB: Then you will continue your unenlightened life
Me: Stop teasing me with chocolate, if you are not bringing anything back, don't mention it to me
FB: You will get over it.

That mushroom dick can find another moss to grow on. 

Mr. Faceblock

A few months ago, I met this guy who works for the Empire is that currently taking over the world, let's call that Empire Faceblock.

1st date - He is charming, nerdy and had a great smile. We went for bubble tea on our first date. Immediately, I knew he was too smart for me. He uses words that I've only seen on SAT verbal. I just quietly nod and pretend to be interested. Apparently he thought we had a fantastic first date, on the other hand, I only said about 10 words and nodded a lot.

My first impression of him was that he is balding, short and kind of gay. The inflections of his voice is not 100% hetero. Well at least I like my men with a very masculine voice.

2nd date- We had thai food, this is when I realized that he is kind of snobby, every time I make a remark of how much I love trashy tv shows, there was a few seconds of silence and then I see the judgement in his eyes. Those soulful eyes that says, you fucking retard, I am only with you cuz you are hot.

We ended the date with a kiss, surprisingly he is an amazing kisser.


3rd date plus: for someone who works at faceblock, he lets me play quite often. I am all about being equal and being a feminist, but come on! We started to take our relationship to the next level and moved to 3rd base. When we started to fool around, and he took of his pants, it took me a good 5  minutes to locate where his dick was. I had to dig through a forest of pubic hair and pull out my tweezers to locate his dick. OMG, it is really small. Especially after I have been with Mr. Footlong from Philly. I had to be GGG and gave him a BJ, apparently has very specific instructions on how he likes his bjs and has sensitivity issues around his head which made me have lock jaw. After a few failed attempts, I finally got him off. The velocity of his ejaculation was so fast, that a few sperm came out of my nose.

Last night: Previously, I told him that I like to be dominated in bed, which is mainly true. I was dead ass tired and we were fooling around again. Mainly I wanted to sleep over cuz my apt does not have AC installed and his apt has central air. As we were making out, he said: "well my dick isn't going to suck itself" I was shocked and appalled. WTF, beggers cannot be choosers. I was ready to get the fuck out of his place. Who says that to me? who the fuck does he think he is? I think he clearly was apologetic when he realized that I was not going to suck his dick and that I was going to leave.

Mrs. Doubtfire

Just received this... What would Dan Savage do? 

Hey, I am sorry for the emailing delay. I am always hesitant at this part but I need to know if you are comfortable with the fact that in private I crossdress. It's not a choice and only the person I am dating needs to know. I would never do anything to embarrass you but it is only fair that you know beforehand. Please realize that there is 99% more to me than that and it is only done in private. I would like to continue to email you!

Speed Dating

A few years ago, I somehow got in touch with someone who organizes these speed dating events in New York. A few weeks ago, after not hearing from him in years, he texted me asking me if I had time to go to a speed dating event cuz they needed more girls.

I naturally said yes, cuz I didn't have anything to do that evening. I put on my little black dress and my heels and trekked my way to alphabet city. I was also half an hour late, but the men there seemed pretty desperate. When I stepped in, I saw that the girls were slim pickings. Here are some of the men I have encountered.

Guy: So is this your first time speed dating?
Me: No, I am a veteran
Guy: oh, so what are you doing for Mother's day?
Me: Oh, I have no idea, I hope my daughter plans something good for me.

Seeing the reaction on their faces were priceless. I hate these speed dating events, especially the Asian ones, where all they care is your circumstances. Where you went for school, where you live, what you do for a living etc. 

Guy: Is this what you wear for work? (I was dressed pretty slutty that day, and I was working from home that morning)
Me: No, I wore a lot less

Guy: How old are you?
Me: 45
Guy: OH wow, you look really good for your age.


Long story short, I met this handsome black guy at the bar, he was winging for his annoying friend who I just lied to during speed dating. I was flirting with him hard, and he got my number. After speed dating the three of us started chatting, he texted me during the conversation and asked if I wanted to get out of there with him. I met him in the bathroom and we fooled around for a minute. I made up some excuse and left the bar, we later met at Grand Central and took a cab to my house. We fucked so hard. He was amazing!!! The myth is true, once you go black, you really don't wanna go back. He also had amazing skin, it smelled like almond. Reminds me of the black stripper we hired for my friend's bachlorette's party in Vegas.

The next morning, he promised that he will text, like everyone else I brushed it aside. A few days later, he did text, but really wasn't saying anything of substance. So I texted back, "So when are you going to ask me out?" No response!! 

oh well, luckily dicks are free and plentiful.

Too Large to Charge

I don't know what is wrong with me. Have I lost my mojo? The history teacher is great, he is hot (think younger, fatter, whiter, less gay version of Ricky Martin) 

He came up last weekend to NY from Philadelphia, is it moving too fast? I mean technically, it is only our 2nd date. But he seemed like a nice guy and harmless enough. We frolicked together near my hood, and continued frolicking on my bed. GAWD DAMN, he is a great kisser. I wanted to be demure and prude, I held out on sex for the first night, the next day. I really couldn't help myself. One thing led to another and we ended up frolicking on my bed. He has a HUGE dick. I think one of the largest I've seen. It was glorious, the type that dildos are modeled after. 

He has a huge problem getting off, I fear he uses the death grip when he masturbates. Which is a huge problem, cuz I don't think my {()} is ever tight enough. I can't say I thoroughly enjoyed having sex with him. For some reason, I was dry as the Sahara.  He is hot, well spoke, well mannered and I am extremely attracted to him, but for some reason, my libido takes a nose dive. Maybe it is because he may be too big???? Is that even possible? Perhaps it is the condom? not sure. The foreplay is fantastic, but when it comes to the actual sex part, it just takes so fucking long. Who the hell wants to get slammed by a giant 10 inch pole for 45 min straight. I think a good 10-15 minutes is good enough for me, then I just wanna crawl into a ball and hibernate. 

We tried again last night, I had some alcohol in me trying to loosen me up. I can't even finish him off!!! What shame have I brought to my gender. He txted me this morning saying that he was sorry and took advantage of me. WHO IS HE? WTF?!?! Pretty sure I was taking advantage of him. God, he is so hot. Think Eric Bana

Dry spell ended

I am watching a rerun of Hitch on TBS, Hitch claims that 1st kiss comes around the 3rd date. How unrealistic is this?!?! Who the hell kisses on 3rd dates anymore. I usually don't kiss on the 1st dates since it is super awkward. But if there is a 2nd or 3rd date, I would like to test drive the car.

I went on a date with a HS history teacher last week in Philly. We had an amazing time, the one complaint I had about him is that he kept mentioning how broke he is. How unattractive is that? Dropping little hints on how he can't afford to do shit, cuz he is broke. He also has 3 roommates, who in their early 30s have roommates anymore. He also says "Do you know what I mean?" a lot. A LOT, meaning he says this 3 or 4 times in a sentence. That shit bothers the shit out of me, if you know what I mean.

I think he wants to take things seriously, not sure if I am ready for this especially when I met someone super hot at dodge-ball. He looks 19, but is actually 25. Whatever, he is a youngin, but I definitely want to smoosh that cub.

Dry Spell

Update for the past few weeks: I am going through a dry spell. The last sexual encounter I had was a pump and dump. This is what happens when I had my hopes up. He was okay, nothing spectacular. He came over to my hotel room, we fucked for a few minutes, and then he stayed just so he doesnt feel like a douche and then left. Never heard from him again. Dang that was harsh. Thought I was going to marry him, gotta scrap the wedding plans now.